Random Thoughts

Suicidal

2006-06-16T18:42:00.000-07:00

Joyless.
Luckless.
Loveless.

Listless.
Aimless.
Scared witless.

Hapless.
Helpless.
Hopeless.

Faithless.

Pointless...

I'd rather be lifeless.

I'M FINALLY SEEING A SHRINK

2006-05-19T09:47:00.000-07:00

I volunteered to be logged out early because I am not feeling very well. I am severely depressed and this has been going on for days. I have frequent crying spells and it is a big struggle for me to go to work. I think I should give myself credit for treating my callers well even when I feel like breaking down sometimes.

Tomorrow, I will be seeing a psychiatrist at Saint Luke's Hospital. My psychiatrist's name is Dr. Vanessa Cainhug. The consultation fee is P1,500 to P2,000, but I think a trip to her office will be worth every centavo. I have been struggling with depression since I was a child. I really need help.

Depression is not something I can simply pray away or combat with positive thinking, although it helps to have a positive mental attitude. It is a feeling that lingers despite the assurances and all the positive self-talk that I give to myself. Sometimes, I don't even know what triggers it. It can be debilitating and painful.

Most people who do not have this affliction do not understand what it is. I have been advised to pray, which I often do. Prayer helps but it does not take away my depression. I really need professional help. People do not know that this is not a feeling that I can simply shake off. The good thing is I am aware of what is happening to me.

I've been trying to lose weight. However, I binge when I get depressed. I crave calories and more calories. Perhaps it's my body's way of telling me that I need more energy. Besides, eating can be very comforting.

I hope that I will beat depression. I have been suffering for a long time. I have to take responsibility for my own healing and recovery.

BORED

2006-05-14T11:20:00.000-07:00

This is one of those days when I don't know what to do...Heck, I don't even know what to think! And so I will let my fingers thump on the keys without giving much thought to the words that will appear onscreen.

I feel restless inside. I want to do many things, but I doubt if I could do them. I don't even have the confidence to start! I always procrastinate because at the back of my mind, I always say, "What's the use? I'm going to fail anyway!" As I have said I've had my triumphs, but why am I so afraid to take the first step to fulfill my dreams? Are my dreams unrealistic? Am I too small for my dreams?

I want to tell myself, "Hey, be realistic! Those are not for you! You may keep dreaming, but you might just end up dreaming your life away! Keep your feet on the ground!" But something in me won't let me rest until I have reached the stars.

I want to write, and I want to make music! I want to sing, but I don't think I am talented enough. I don't even have the looks. I will try my luck at the San Miguel Musical Foundation auditions and see if I could make it to Hong Kong Disneyland. They are looking for choir members who will perform there. Writing a bestseller is one of my fondest dreams, but again, I'm not sure if I am talented enough. I'm not much of a writer.

I feel so restless inside. I wish I could say that I am content, that I could live my life cooped up in my comfort zone. But something in me screams and tells me that there is more to life than being stuck in this job. Sure, I am grateful for this job. I earn more than most college grads do, and to think that I work from home! I earn more than enough to buy my bare necessities and I even have money to spare for whatever my family needs at home. I don't want to give up this job because of the financial security it provides. However, something inside me screams to be set free.

I'M MORBID AGAIN...

2006-05-13T09:24:00.000-07:00

I can't take my mind off the inevitable. Why am I so obsessed with death and dying? Why do I always imagine myself lying pale and lifeless in a coffin? I know that I am going to die; everybody will die. It's just a matter of time. I know that I am going to say good bye when I'm still young, but I don't want to say good bye too soon.

Well, to be honest, I am dealing with a lot of emotional pain right now. Maybe subconsciously, I really want to kick the bucket. I don't want to think about death, but somehow I cannot shake off the thought. I still want to live, but a part of me wants to go. I won't kill myself; I've already tried doing that before. It would be a very stupid thing to do.

I have so much to live for. My loved ones are my number one reason for living, and there are more besides this. I do have my reasons for leaving, but they pale in comparison to my reason number one for staying alive.

Inner Battles

2006-05-10T15:40:00.000-07:00

I've never thought that my job would be this challenging. I used to love challenges, but now I feel nothing but fear and insecurity. I am struggling with feelings of inadequacy. I'm so scared to lose my job because I have responsibilities toward my family.

I've lost much of the self-confidence that I once had. I sometimes think of myself as stupid. I've had my triumphs and achievements, yet I can't think of myself as a winner. I have been in the "loser mode" for a long time now. I have to do something about this.

Sometimes I think that I am not good enough for my dreams. I have read a lot of inspirational books and I recently bought a hard-bound copy of Maxwell Maltz' Psycho-Cybernetics. Even after reading books about self-confidence, positive-thinking, and success, I still don't know how to handle my fears. Maybe I'm being too harsh on myself. I really don't know what to do.

For the meantime, I just hang on. I try to function even when I am encumbered with these feelings. Sometimes, I just retreat into my own little world. Sleep gives me a respite from the burden I carry inside. I have my nightmares when I am awake; it's far better to sleep.

Do I need to see a shrink? I don't know. I don't want to.

Wala Lang...

2006-04-27T06:11:00.000-07:00

Finally, I'm working from home!

It's my day off today and I'm rather bored. Thank God for Wikipedia! At last there's a website I can visit where I can read about almost everything under the sun and beyond.

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Katt and I just had supper. We talked about certain things, but what made me really think is our conversation about my sexuality. I've always considered myself a bisexual. I love guys...they're too good to give up! I am physically attracted to some guys. However, I would rather have a highly emotional relationship with a woman. I do like women for their softness and tenderness. I fell in love with one. I wish that the next time I fall in love with my own kind, I could have a long term relationship with her.

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I still love her. I know it is pathetic. I do keep myself busy so I won't keep thinking about her. But somehow she manages to slip into my consciousness.

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I'm an artist. I have the capacity to feel ordinary emotions deeply and intensely, which is why I fall hard when I fall in love.

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Purple is my color! Go figure...

Happy Day

2006-04-18T09:48:00.000-07:00

I was with her practically the whole afternoon. She went to Robinsons Ermita for her last-minute shopping. I missed her so much! If it weren't for her aunt and cousins, I would have hugged and kissed her. Just being with her made me incredibly happy. She did not have to do anything special; she just had to be there to make me happy.

I love her so much! She was with her husband. As I've told some of my friends, I don't hate him or anything...I am even grateful to him for taking good care of her. I know that she is happy with him and that she is in good hands. We rode a cab and her hubby stayed at the front seat. We were at the backseat. I told her that I would miss her very much. We held hands for a long time. I felt as if my heart was going to explode with emotions. I could only hold back my tears because I did not want to ruin that perfect moment. I wanted to embrace her, and to tell her that I love her very much, but I know she already knows. When the time came for us to part ways, she gave me a peck on the cheek, and the funny thing was, her husband did the same thing! The kiss I gave him is my way of saying thanks for loving and taking care of the person I love more than life itself...

Just Sitting Here...

2006-04-11T07:30:00.000-07:00

I'm at work here in the headquarters. Can't wait to work from home. Katt will go home to Davao by the end of the month, and she will give me her room. I'll just be paying her for the deposit. I am going to have a phone line and Internet connection minus the effort! Thanks a lot, Katt.

I've been working here for a couple of months now. It's getting pretty tiring and embarrassing. I always have to wake somebody at the end of my shift so that someone can lock the door to the Stop House. However, I appreciate Miss Len's patience and generosity for letting me work here.

I've been botching up calls. I have been reviewing the accounts in Traincaster. I wish I could have more time. Well, I only have to wait for couple of weeks...

She's going back to U.K. It's just so sad that I cannot send her off because she's leaving on Tuesday. I miss her so much that I feel like crying every now and then. I wish I could stop feeling this way for her...

Boots and I have a "project". Both of us are going to lose weight. I'm on a diet. I eat a lot of fruits. I eat an apple or a banana before I start every meal. It helps me to eat less. I also snack on fruits. When I transfer to Katt's dorm I will go to the gym regularly. My uncle, who works at a nearby fire station told me that there is a gym in the area. I can also take swimming lessons this summer.

I'm quite excited about moving to Pasig and losing weight!

Here I go again...

2006-04-05T10:11:00.000-07:00

She's back.

I miss her so much. When I saw her again, I felt like giving her a hug, but the dictates of propriety prevented me from doing so. We only talked for about five minutes. I wish I could stretch the minutes into days. Heck! I wish I could stretch them into years, maybe decades, or perhaps centuries, millennia, or an eternity! She had to go very soon and I am not sure if we are going to see each other before she goes out of the country again.

I love her with all that I am.

TEARS FOR A FRIEND

2006-03-28T08:40:00.000-08:00

I was jolted awake by a text message from a friend; she told me that she lost her baby. My friend is 38 years old and had been trying to have a baby for eight years now. After two miscarriages, she saw a ray of hope because the baby was able to make it to the third trimester. The baby was almost nine months old. She was supposed to give birth via caesarean section because she had placenta previa.

I don't know what exactly happened to the baby. My friend said she will explain later, and I wouldn't have dared to ask because I cannot even begin to imagine the pain that she is suffering right now.

It just so unfortunate for her to be ecstatic about something that she would eventually lose so soon and unexpectedly. Sometimes I think that life is cruel. I don't understand why things like these have to happen.

Is GOD in control of everything? I don't know. Maybe He does if He chooses to take control.I do believe that he leaves some things to chance, and some to human will. Some people say that everything happens for a reason. I believe that GOD finds a reason for everything that happens. GOD does not always cause or allow anything to happen to cause something to happen. I believe that He usually lets things run their course. He just brings out the best of whatever happens.

However, I've forgotten how it is to have faith...

Almost Homeless

2006-03-27T15:46:00.000-08:00

I'm staying with my grandaunt in San Juan. She has such a wonderful family. Tito Bogs, her son, loves me like a daughter. We'll be grilling burgers this weekend because he found out that I love grilled burgers especially when hickory wood shavings are sprinkled on the charcoal that cooks the beef. The wood gives a smoked flavor which makes the burgers irresistible to me. His wife is just as kind. She treats me as if I own the house. They have two cute sons, and I've always wanted a baby at home.

There are some problems though. Beside the house, adjacent to my room, is a repair shop for earth-moving equipments (bulldozers and the like). I have been enured to the clanging of metal and the rasping sound of the grinders, but sometimes, the fumes almost choke me. It's like being gassed daily. I wonder how my lungs are taking it. The room is a virtual oven; whenever I sleep, I feel so hot that I can hear myself sizzle.

So that's my problem: I don't know where to stay. I don't have enough money for the deposit and advance that most apartment lessors require of prospective tenants. My uncle, whom I thought would allow me to stay in his townhouse, has offered to have the bodega renovated, airconditioned, and sound-proofed so I can sleep and work there. However, I would have to wait for a couple of months if I agree to stay there. Miss Len has been asking me how long will I be working in the HQ. I cannot give her a definite answer. It's embarrassing on my part to stay here any longer than a week. She even jokingly said, "Baka pagdating ko galing US, nandito ka pa!" (She recently left for Las Vegas and will be back on April 7th.

Besides, the free-spirit in me protests; I would rather live alone than be routinely scrutinized by relatives who may mean well, but do not understand my personal issues. I would rather be alone than walk on tiptoes for fear that I may displease them. And I VALUE MY PRIVACY SO MUCH. I cannot lock the bedroom door when sleep because some of their things are in the room that I occupy. They can go in and out of my room which makes me uncomfortable.

I gotta go...

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She's coming home! At last, I'm going to see her again after a year! I might not have the chance to spend time with her while she's in the country, that's why I'm going to see her at the airport...with her husband...

But it's okay. I just miss her so much that I wish I could give her a hug right now.

Bothered and Bewildered

2006-03-19T11:18:00.000-08:00

I don't know where I am heading and it bothers me. Sure, I know what I want out of life, but I really don't know what to do right now. I would like to have a career that would give me the opportunity to make use of my best talents. I don't want to be a call center agent forever. I really would like to become a writer, but I don't even know what to write...

I am grateful for all the blessings that I am enjoying now, but I want more out of life. I feel restless inside; I know that there is more to life than what I am doing now. I am consumed by a passion that I cannot name. I am a wildfire that seeks to devour everything.

Oh God, I hope that I am not displeasing you by desiring more than what You have already given me out of Your goodness. I just feel so restless inside. I know that I am not being the best that I can be. I know that I can do and give more. Please tell me what to do next.

I need to recover the sense of self that I lost because I loved someone too much. I know that I deserve to be happy, but sometimes I feel guilty about seeking my own happiness because the people I love are not happy. My family needs me, but I must take responsibility for my own happiness. I have my own life to live.

I feel like a lost puppy; I need to belong to someone. I always say that I don't want to fall in love again, but something inside me yearns to be touched and to be held. Would someone still love me, after all the things I've done?

I'm still broken inside. It may take a long time for me to heal. I still feel the pain of the heartbreak I suffered a couple of years back. I still feel it as keenly as ever. I feel so unworthy inside. My mind tells me that I am okay, but my heart tells me otherwise. I've lost confidence in myself. I've read a lot of inspirational books. I've tried to convince myself that I am okay, yet I don't feel okay.

Petix to the Max...

2006-02-26T09:45:00.000-08:00

I'm now employed by Xact Services.

It's a Sunday and I'm working...It's as if I am slaving...wheehehehehe...

There are very few calls...I'm quite bored...would I have the time to post an entry in this blog if I am working hard...?

ZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Finally!

2006-01-29T18:56:00.000-08:00

I will submit my resignation letter to Ian tonight. Jenny from TGK finally called and said that I passed the selection process. Weeeheee!!!

Working from home will enable me to work on my long-forgotten projects, like the articles that I am dying to write. I will also have the time for my other hobbies. I am really a musician and a writer at heart. Thanks to TGK, I will once again be able to do what I love doing.

I am grateful for my present job, though. It has kept the bills at bay, and provided me with the means to survive and to help my family. I am even grateful for the nerve-wracking experiences that I have gone through. These experiences have taught me courage and humility. Maybe I should use all the crap that I've gotten as fertilizer.

I will miss all my friends in Macromedia, though.

Having a Bout with the Big D

2006-01-24T04:29:00.001-08:00

It's been a long time since I last posted an entry in this blog. This site has been blocked by Sykes. I just read a message from Loi and I am happy to know that someone still reads my blog. Thanks Loi!

This is one of those days when I feel so empty, so lonely, and terribly scared. I am on vacation leave, and I dread the thought of going back to work. I have always wanted to resign, but I've chosen to stick it out with my job because I have no choice. I have obligations to fulfill.

I want to love my job, but I can't. It's like being married to someone I don't love. I have made the committment to give my 100% to this job, yet my best does not seem to be good enough. I hate feeling stupid. I hate knowing the answers, but not being sure. I hate being afraid of making mistakes.

Self doubts becloud my inner vision. Fear is my number one enemy and I find myself helpless against it. Whenever I come home from work, I cry. I cry myself to sleep. Sometimes I think I am already teetering at the brink of insanity.

As I type these words, I feel nauseous. There's a lump in my throat and I find it difficult to breathe. I feel like bursting into tears. I wish I could take a vacation for one whole week. God, I wish someone would just hug me and tell me that everything will be okay.

Am I stupid? For goodness' sake, I am a Mensa member! Did I pass the qualifying exam out of sheer luck? Was luck also the determining factor when I got a scholarship grant at the Ateneo, topped the Science High School entrance exam, and got a perfect score in the licensure exam for insurance agents? (There, I'm bragging now...) Have I become so swell-headed that GOD has to find ways to temper my pride? I have eaten a lot of humble pie in the last ten months. Humble pie is made with crap and to think I have eaten a lot of it...I've had my fill and more...

This is the last day of my vacation. I wish I could make this day longer. I miss my family...

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I miss her. I know I shouldn't miss her anymore, but I do. I ought to be ashamed of myself; heck, she's happily married now! It's been almost a year since the last time I saw her. I feel the nagging pain of longing...If only I could just hear her voice. God, this is wrong; this is terribly wrong.

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I've always hated the song, "Untilted" (How Could This Happen To Me?) by Simple Plan. Now, I can relate with the guy who wrote it. Unbelievably, this has become the song of my life. I've always tried to appreciate life, and I am grateful for a lot of things. I want to be cheerful. I don't want to be sick and tired, but I am. I don't want to be pessimistic, but I am. I don't want to be cynical, but I am. I can't help myself.

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I don't want to wallow in self-pity, but sometimes the pain is just too much. When will this end? I've been battling with the big D for as long as I can remember. Sometimes I just want to wave a white flag because I am already tired. I'm too young to be tired of life, but I am. I've tried to kill myself more than once. I hope my premonition will come true. I know that I will die young, but it won't be soon. As I've said, love gives me a sense of purpose and a reason for living. I love my family and I don't want to leave them with nothing.

GOD IS GOOD...

2005-10-16T01:18:00.000-07:00

Things are finally looking up. My sister and Mom have finally reconciled with my uncle. I hope this is for keeps.

I was so surprised that I got 100 in my QA last September. Well, not this month though. My QA score last week was 97. According to Kirby, I put the customer on hold and did not get back just in time. Oh heck, 97 isn't bad!

In less than a couple of weeks, I'll be thirty! I don't dread it. I'm not aging; I'm merely growing more mature! Hehehehe...My best friend just turned 34, and she has no qualms about it.

I am happy for Loi. She deserves her promotion. She was one of the most helpful seasoned reps when I was just a bungling newbie.

Things are finally looking up! Thank you God!

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I AM NOT OKAY...BUT I'LL SURVIVE...

2005-10-05T16:20:00.000-07:00

Things are not so good these days for me. I've been losing sleep over a lot of problems. I do not want to enumerate them here.

I try to cope with my situation by laughing a lot. Sometimes, people think I'm going crazy. I just want to laugh all my troubles away. I don't have control over everything. Most of the time, I don't have any choice but to put up and shut up.

I want to be alone. Alone. Alone.

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Being a loving person doesn't guarantee you love.

Just Sitting Here...Tipsy...

2005-10-01T06:33:00.000-07:00

I've just been to Timog with friends (wink, wink). I enjoyed our party. I spent a couple of hours with people whose sincerity I can be sure of.

I am damn bored with my life. No love life, no vices, just work, work, work...At least I am spared from trouble. Call me crazy, but I miss the thrill that comes with trouble. I crave some adventure. However, my situation demands that I become more responsible and serious with life.

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I must find someone else to love. I'm tired of hurting but, as a song goes, she is " a hard habit to break".

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I saw Art the other day. I was at Univoicesal, a recording company, inquiring about the voice acting seminar they were offering. I was so surprised when I saw him. His hair is thinning, but he doesn't look bad at all. I like him, but that's all...I only like him...

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"Love is short, and forgetting is too long..." - Pablo Neruda

Love, when it is true and deep, is forever.

I am quietly passionate. To my own detriment, I keep my most intense emotions bottled up. Well, I write; however, it's not enough...

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I wish I could be more risque with my blog entries. Pero mahirap na...heheheheh... Few people are privy to my deepest, darkest secrets, and I would like to keep it that way. Maybe one of these days I will create an anonymous blog.

Random Thoughts

2005-09-28T19:57:00.000-07:00

I only have twenty-five minutes to compose this entry.

Everything seems to be okay again. Mom is well again. A week ago, I thought I would lose her. My sister, Clarisse, told me that Mom was very sick. She was suffering from chills and high fever. She was in a delirium, crying out, "Mama! Mama!" like a little child looking for her mother. It turned out that she had a fight with my uncle, and she was emotionally and physically distressed. I am not ready to lose my Mom. I want to fulfill all the promises that I made to her. I want to make her happy. She celebrated her fifty-fifth birthday last September 26. I thank God for giving her another year with us. I love her very much.

I am turning thirty in less than a month. I can't believe it. I have a lot of growing up to do and challenges to face. I don't intend to get married or have a partner (whichever) until I have fulfilled all my promises to my family. I also want to be a writer; I hope to have a book published a couple of years from now. I am going to start small. Probably I'll write an essay or an article and submit it to a publishing company. I would like to fulfill all my personal, financial, and relationship goals before I turn forty.

Until now, I am still wondering what my purpose in life (or "dharma", as the Hindus would put it) really is. There are simply so many things that I would like to do for myself and for others...

Snippets

2005-09-18T06:01:00.000-07:00

My blog is so baduy. Gotta find a new skin...

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I miss my family. I just spoke with my sister and my Mom. I was on the phone with them for more than an hour. I told my Mom that I just got regularized and that I got a salary increase. Obviously, the news made her happy. I can now help my Mom with the bills. I pity my sister. She has to bear the brunt of my Mom's anger every now and then...I know how she feels. I used to be in her shoes...

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Wooohoooo! After six months of blood, sweat, tears, and extreme anxiety, the much awaited day has come: REGULAR NA AKO! I never thought I'd make it. I've always thought that I am not good enough for this job...well, maybe I am...I don't know. I just want to do my job well.

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The focus of spirituality should not be the salvation of one's soul, but its evolution.

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Mikee, Katt, and I talked about Librans. Mikee and Katt were both born under that zodiac sign. I am not a staunch believer of astrology, but the commonalities of Librans are uncanny...

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Am I destined to be alone? Of course, I can live alone! I have promised myself not to make anybody indispensable in my life. However, I sometimes long to belong to somebody who will cherish me and love me for who I am. I miss being loved and being in love. Heck, I am still in love with the same person after all these years and in spite of all the pain that I suffered...

Maybe I just can't get over the fact that my love wasn't taken seriously. It hurts like hell because I have never felt a deeper love for anyone else. I am still trying to make sense of what happened. Maybe God allowed it to happen to show me that I am capable of loving someone that much. I know I must move on. I am trying, but sometimes I just can't help crying...

I'M GETTING MORBID AGAIN

2005-08-30T19:38:00.000-07:00

Death feels so close. I know that my days are numbered. I don't know how I know; I just know.

I am not afraid. As I have always said, I will welcome death when it comes. I just feel sad for those I will leave behind. On the other hand, I feel more alive now that I know that I am dying. I appreciate life more than ever, now that it is slowly slipping away. I just hope that I will have enough time to make my dreams come true. I just hope that I will have enough time to say "sorry" to all the people I've hurt, and to make amends. I just hope I will have the chance to tell all the people in my life how much they mean to me and how much I love them before I go. With very little time in my hands, I hope I won't leave any good undone.

A Myriad of Thoughts From A Scatterbrain

2005-08-28T03:19:00.000-07:00

I'm here in the office, organizing my inbox and my things. I have also printed out the emails that the SRs sent for me to study. I'm supposed to be enjoying my rest day, but I just can't get over the fact that I may be one of the "dunces" here in Macromedia...

I just heard that Mike and his girlfriend have broken up. I was in the restroom yesterday when I heard the girl say, "Walang hiya siya...". She said that she has been without a boyfriend for weeks. I wonder what Mike did to her. Well, I'd rather mind my own business...

I haven't been eating well since I saw the pictures in the email that Ru-ann forwarded. They're gross! In Japan, people have been eating babies! I don't think those babies were fetuses. They were infants! They even sell preserved babies' brains! I find it hard to believe that some people could be so appallingly inhuman! Most animal species do not eat their own kind. Infancy is the stage in which a human being is most beautiful. It saddens and infuriates me to see those babies being butchered like some common livestock. It saddens me even more to think that they would be reduced to shit afterwards...

I miss her. I cannot deny that I am still in love with her. I have been trying to meet guys hoping that I will fall in love again. I constantly remind myself that she is now married. I know that she is happy, and I am happy for her. I am honestly happy for her, but I am sad for myself. What really pains me is that I can never make her happy the way her husband does. I miss her so much. My heart always aches for her. I have paid a dear price for loving her this way. It may take years before I get over her, or perhaps I never will...However, as I have said, I must never let my happiness depend upon the decisions of others. I've loved her and have lost, but life goes on...

I miss my family. I wish I could go home this Christmas, but it is like asking for the moon. I've just found out that I need to wait till March before I could file for a V.L. Sykes employees are entitled to V.L.s a year after they were hired...

I'm having a bout with the big D again. I've promised to be happy no matter what. I think I need to see a movie...to relax...to beat stress...

Self Doubts

2005-08-22T14:45:00.000-07:00

All my life, I have been plagued by a lot of fears about myself. The strongest fear that I have regarding myself is the fear of not being good enough. I am the worst critic there can ever be, and who is my unfortunate victim? Myself...

I have to struggle with the feeling of inadequacy from day to day. The question that I often ask myself these days is, "Am I good enough for my job?" I must admit that I sometimes hate this job, because it makes me feel stupid. I don't care if the customers are irate as long as I can say for certain that I am right and what I did was right.

I am trying hard to love this job. It is my means to survive. I really love it when the customers sound happy because they have been helped, even if they make my AHT scores soar...haaaay...The other day, I was able to troubleshoot a PA issue. The customer actually sang "Hallelujah!" Two weeks ago, there was this customer who was anxious to finish her school project, but didn't know what to do with her software. I was able to help her install and activate it. I took pity on her because she was on the verge of tears. Her thank you meant so much to me. She made my day go better...

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Four Days Later...

Ian made me sign my PMP form. He said this is for my regularization. Wheee! I hope I can prove myself worthy of my job. I promise to put forth my best effort. I know I can perform well in this job. I just need to be more optimistic and confident.

THE BLIND MOON GODDESS

2005-08-14T16:29:00.000-07:00

This is the first speech I've ever delivered in a Toast of Mensa meeting. I don't need to tell anyone how terrified I was when I delivered this speech. For most people, the fear of public speaking is worse than the fear of dying. As Seinfeld puts it, "At a funeral, most people would rather be in the coffin than at the lectern delivering the eulogy". My speech, by the way, was much-applauded (I don't know why...). I managed to feign confidence. I consider delivering my first speech before a group of strangers with high IQs as one of my greatest victories. By the way, everything that I said in my speech (except that part about my guardian angel)is true.

Good evening fellow Toastmasters and welcome guests. Before I begin my speech, allow me to convey my appreciation to everyone of you who made me feel that I belong here. You see, I have never felt more welcome anywhere else.

For those who do not know me yet, I am Diane. My full name is Diane Cecilia Aldecoa de la Cruz. Giving our names is the first thing we do when we introduce ourselves. Tonight, I will take a few steps farther. I will tell you the meaning of my given names, why my parents named me so, and how I am living up to my name.

According to my mother I was conceived on a full moon and was born on a Monday, the moon's day. If you check the perpetual calendar, you will find that my date of birth, October 27, 1975, indeed fell on a Monday. It's not hard to see why my parents named me after the Roman moon goddess, Diana. They couldn't have thought of a more befitting name.

My father gave me my second name, Cecilia, in honor of the patron saint of musicians. Making music has always been the family craft. Everyone in our family is adept in playing at least one musical instrument. For my part, I play the piano, the guitar, and the flute. I love music. I owe my existence to it because it brought my parents together. They both used to be in a band. Mom was the lead vocalist and Dad was the pianist and the musical arranger. They met when the band was formed, and from then on, their romance blossomed.

When I studied Latin, I learned that "Cecilia" means "blind". I eventually found out that Saint Cecilia, after whom I was named, was indeed blind. With these two names, "Diane" and "Cecilia", I realized that I have an appellation that means "The Blind Moon Goddess".

I've always liked my first name, and more so when Princess Diana became popular. No offense to my namesakes and to the visually impaired, but I hated "Cecilia", my second name, because I didn't want to be called "blind".

I complained to my Mom about this, telling her what my second name actually means. She just smiled and said, "Well, it isn't so bad. Look, you're living up to your name. You have a lot of divine qualities, but you are blind to them. You're like a goddess, but you don't act as if you were better than anyone else. "And," she said with a wink, "you have the sex appeal of a screen goddess, but you're not even aware of it, which makes you even sexier." Of course, that was my Mom, my number one fan, speaking. As far as know, I have the sex appeal of a doornail.

My friend offered a better explanation as to how I am living up to my name. She said, "Yeah, your parents couldn't have named you more aptly. You're indeed a blind moon goddess. You're a bit of a loony, your head is always up in the clouds, and you act as if you were blind." I am sure that she meant it as a joke, but I am starting to think that it is true. You see, absent-mindedness is one of my worst faults. I've lost count of how many times I have tripped and fallen. I have fallen down the stairs and hit by cars on several occasions. I have been through a lot of near mishaps on account of my absent-mindedness. Thanks to my guardian angel, I have never suffered from any serious injury. That I have never had a broken bone is nothing short of a miracle. Sometimes, I imagine my guardian angel looking so tired and exasperated, with his wings ruffled and his golden halo bent out of shape. I bet he's beseeching God for another assignment.

My absent-mindedness has led me to a lot of embarrassing situations as well. Let me tell you about one. Almost a couple of years ago, a group of politicians visited Kalibo, my home town, to join the Ati-atihan festivities. The highlight of the festivities was the celebration of the Holy Mass, which was held at the town plaza. After receiving the Holy Communion, I headed back to where I was seated. I was oblivious to my surroundings because I was steeped in prayer. My head was once more up in the clouds. I was zapped back to reality when I felt that my left foot had stepped on somebody's toes. When I looked up to see who the unfortunate person was, I had the shock of my life. I saw a familiar face, with eyes turning into little slits as the person smiled sheepishly. Guess who it was? It was Bong Revilla! He probably looked even more embarrassed than I did. Of course, I apologized profusely before I tried to disappear from the knowing eyes. Later, my friends would tease me, "Hey you should have asked for his autograph," and I would brag jokingly in reply, "That's so baduy! I stepped on a politician's toes and all he did was smile at me. Now, how many people can truthfully say that?"

Well, that's just me, Diane Cecilia, the Blind Moon Goddess, living up to her name. Once again, good evening.

RAT CRAP

2005-08-07T08:39:00.000-07:00

I was preparing to go to work last night. I was about to take a bath. I had already splashed some water on my body using a "tabo" when I stepped on something mealy and slimy. When my eyes fell on the floor, I leapt out of revulsion; there they were - rat crap-- black pellets on the bathroom floor. Ewwww! Each piece was almost as big as my little finger. I was very worried because I have a small cut on my toe; I feared that might catch liptospirosis, a disease contracted from exposing an open wound to rat's urine. Quickly, I grabbed a bottle of chlorine bleach and spilled a lot of it on the floor. Without thinking, I doused my cut with the bleach and I almost screamed out of pain. When I came to my senses, I put my wounded toe under running water to get rid of the chlorine. What was I thinking? Maybe, I thought it would be better to die of chlorine poisoning than suffer for days from liptospirosis. But, no, I didn't want to die of poisoning either.

Thoughts came rushing into my head. I remembered Benjamin Abalos' daughter, Ciara, who died within days after eating a burger sandwich contaminated with E. Coli. Her illness was initially diagnosed as liptospirosis; the disease can kill a person just as quickly. I furiously mopped the floor with chlorine-and-detergent solution. I got rid of the offensive pellets by washing them down the drain. It was not long after when I realized that I desperately did not want to die. Suddenly, I laughed. I remembered that barely a year ago, I was so desperate to die that I would often pray and say to God, "Please take me home." I would cry till my eyes almost bled. I would even brag that I was not afraid to die. I would even go out at night unaccompanied, exposing myself to drug-crazed people who prowl on the streets, not heeding the warning of my well-meaning friends and not minding the news that so and so was either raped, stabbed to death, or mauled by drug addicts. I was ready to die. I was just looking for an opportunity to die, because I was too scared to take my own life. (The streets of Manila are safer than the streets of Kalibo. Most people in my hometown are asleep by 10:00 PM; by then, most of the streets would be dark and empty.)

Despite my fear, suicide was not far from my mind. I would run searches in Google for painless suicide methods. I read the biographies of Ernest Hemmingway, Virginia Woolf, and Sylvia Plath - writers who tragically took their own lives. Two years ago, I bought a pack of Racumin powder and some Tuseran capsules. I carefully took out the contents of each Tuseran capsule and filled the empty ones with the rat poison. I rented a cheap room in a pension house near my hometown; I wanted to die away from home. I wanted to spare my family from the horror of finding my lifeless body. I cried my eyes out and begged God for forgiveness. I was so miserable that figured that God would understand if I took my own life. Well, I simply spat out the capsule as soon as I put one into my mouth. I just couldn't do it! I was just too damn scared! My fear of hell was my only suicide deterrent.

Suicide is the farthest thing from my mind now; this is ironic since I don't believe in hell anymore. I believe that I will reincarnate after my present life ends. I still get depressed sometimes, but my attitude toward depression has changed. Sometimes, depression is a sign that a person needs to mature. The maturation process is painful; a person needs to relinquish the familiar (often cherished) things of the past and step into an uncertain future. Relinquishment often leads to depression, but a healthy person should recover in no time and be ready to accept reality for what it is. I have stopped complaining about the way things are. I have learned that people miss out on the good things in life because they keep on focusing on what they do not have. I have learned that it is useless to complain about the injustice in this world or about the unfairness of life; if one wants justice, he/she must actively seek it rather than complain about the lack of it. I have learned to laugh at the things that used to make me feel bad. I have learned to love and forgive myself. I have learned not to allow my happiness to depend on the decisions of others. I am certainly 100% happier now than I was a couple of years ago...

Love is what gives me a sense of purpose. Maybe I am still here because a lot of people need to meet me, or perhaps they need to be loved by me. I have realized that a lot of people love me. I don't want to die yet, because I know that a lot of people will grieve. I do have a morbid presentiment, though; I am going to die young. I still am not afraid to die, but I don't want to die yet. I have so many things to accomplish, so many things to try, and so many people to know and love.

One of these days, I am going to come up with my list of reasons to live. I am going to treat the idea of killing myself like rat crap; I will rid myself of it completely and wash it down the drain.

WHY I CRIED THE OTHER DAY

2005-08-04T16:55:00.000-07:00

My Tita Carmen sent me some goodies from the States through her friend, Gina. I lugged a suitcase full of bed sheets and pasalubongs into my room in the boarding house where I stay. I was very happy; I'm so blessed to have a Tita who always gives me what I need and more. Eagerly, I searched the pockets of the suitcase for more goodies; what I found were three little Catholic books – books on faith, the sufferings of Christ, and prayer. I knew they were from my grandmother, Lola Lily; Tita Carmen is no longer a Catholic.

I could not help crying. I knew that the books were surreptitiously placed in the side pockets of the suitcase for me to find. My Tita Carmen wouldn't want those books to be in that suitcase. My Lola wanted to "save" my soul. She has always reminded me to "keep close to our Lord". What she does not know is that I have abandoned the religion that she has taught me to believe. I love my Lola and I do not want to break her heart. She has always been proud of me. I was once a catechist, a lector, a church choir soloist, a music minister, and a Christian radio talk show host. I have served God through the church. However, I would not be true to God, to myself, and to everyone else if I were to remain a Catholic.

I've gone through a crisis of faith in the last ten years. I struggled to keep the faith. I searched arduously for the answers to my questions. I have studied the Catholic faith assiduously. I was super relihiyosa. I wanted to vivify my faith in my life. I became active in church activities. I tried to please God the way Catholicism taught me how, but I only found emptiness. I struggled against my sinful tendencies, and I found myself defeated.

I don't want to believe because I might be damned if I don't - I don't want to worship a God who is a divine tyrant. Neither do I want to believe simply because believers will be rewarded in the afterlife - that would be divine bribery. I cannot take blind faith, especially if it is toward some religious institution that claims to possess the whole truth. "I will not say 'yes' in ignorance, or 'no' in spite of it."

I cried. I cried because it hurts to think that I have to hide the truth from a person who loves me dearer than life. I cried because I knew what Lola did was an act of love. I appreciate the love, but I cannot be what she wants me to be...

My Childhood: Just Reminiscing

2005-07-31T08:08:00.000-07:00

I was the first grandchild of my mother's parents. Needless to say, everyone was excited when I came out of my mother's womb. Everyone's attention was on me. My mother's brothers and sisters took turns in taking care of me. As a little kid, I was a spoiled brat. One of my uncles even bought me a shirt that had "SPOILED ROTTEN" written on it in big bold letters. As a baby, and as a toddler, I was very demanding. I used to cry about almost everything. I drove everyone crazy with my frequent temper tantrums. Needless to say, I was the queen of the house! I could not be separated from Lola Lily, my maternal grandmother. Once, when I was taking a nap, my Lola sneaked out to watch a movie with my Lolo Charlie. When I woke up and found that she was not beside me, I let out a wail that, according to my Tito Edward, sounded like a siren blast. One of my uncles had to go to the movie house to get my Lola because I wouldn't stop crying, and they could not stand my bawling.

My Tita Carmen was the most important person to me when I was a little kid. She was fourteen when I was born. I love her as much as I love my Mom. She is my second mother. She took care of me from the time I was born until I was seven. I used to sleep beside her almost every night. She would comfort me whenever my Mom and Dad fought, and would defend me whenever my uncles tormented me with their relentless and merciless teasing. She would feed me and bathe me. I always looked forward to her coming home from school because I knew that she would always have a treat for me. When I turned eight, she gave me the best birthday party I've ever had: I had my first birthday cake in seven years! I was depressed for weeks when she left for the States; I was only nine years old then. I would often cry secretly. We have always loved each other. I know that I will always have a special place in her heart, just as she has in mine too.

I had my first sibling when I was four. When my brother Fred was born, I was so excited! I wanted to see what came out of my mother's ponderous belly (We all came out of her belly, via caesarean section). The first time I saw him, I loved him instantly. I did not want to leave the hospital. I wanted to stay with Fred, but my uncles wouldn't let me. They had to drag me out of the hospital and into the car. I screamed my lungs out. Everyone who saw and heard me cry must have thought that I was being kidnapped! Three years later, my sister Clarisse was born. She was the answer to my prayer. As I have often told her, she is the fulfillment of my childhood wish. I prayed hard and wished for a sister. Before she was born, I already knew without a doubt that I would be having a baby sister; my mother did not even have an ultrasound. My family has always been the greatest love of my life and will always be.

I learned how to read at four. My romance with the printed word began when Tito Edward, my favorite uncle, bought story books for me to read. Since then, even as a pre-school child and until now, my favorite haunt has always been National Bookstore. I used to go there very often with my aunts and uncles; we frequented the branch at the Harrison Plaza. Ever since I learned how to read, I have never let a day pass without reading -- I thrive on it and I cannot imagine life without it. My Lolo Charlie encouraged me to read encyclopediae, classical novels, and inspirational books. He also encouraged me to write. He would constantly tell me that I had the makings of a good writer. When I was in fifth grade, I wrote a short story about the legend of the coconut but then, I threw the paper in the trash. Lolo found it while he was salvaging reusable items(he was a pack rat) from the garbage heap in our backyard. I can still remember the excitement in his voice when he told me that he had read my composition. "This is good! You should be a writer, Baby Doll!" I have always believed him; he was an excellent writer himself. He was a high school valedictorian at the Ateneo de Manila High School, and his English teacher's pet. His grammar was impeccable, and he could easily sweep women off their feet with his honeyed words. I think I inherited my love for words from him. How I miss my Lolo Charlie...

As a child, I preferred to listen than to speak. I was not the loquacious type, and I seldom sought attention. I listened to adult conversations, deciphering the meaning behind the words my elders were saying. When I couldn't make sense of anything, I would ask. Sometimes, they would willingly answer my questions. However, most of the time, I would either be told off or ignored. I had to wait for myself to grow up so I could participate in their conversations.

I was a loner. Although I had playmates, I preferred to play alone. In group games, nobody wanted me to be in their team because I was a weakling; I was thin and puny. I could not run fast. Sometimes, they would let me be the "salimpusa". I felt like an outcast, so I would quietly walk away from my playmates and play my own games. I would make-believe that I was a scientist. I concocted a superhero formula by mixing all the household chemicals that I could find such as mercurochrome, napthalene balls, acetone, etc. I idolized Superman and wished that I could be just like him. Fortunately, I never dared to drink any of my superhero potions. When I was sent to the province, I would climb sandhills and pretend that I was a treasure hunter. I would pick up stones with interesting shapes and colors and these would be my "loot". At the end of the day, my pockets would be heavy with stones and seeds of different plants.

I was fascinated by growing things, and quite easily, gardening became one of my favorite hobbies. My grand uncle used to own a store that sold animal feeds; I would steal some chicken feed and bird seeds and plant them in my garden. My Lola designated a small plot in her vegetable garden for my motley crop. There would be some corn plants on one part of the plot. Then, between the rows of corn, there would be some green peas and mongo. I tried planting some oats and barley, but they never grew. Then I also began planting fruit trees. I even planted a mango tree that still stands to this day.

My Lola Lily was an accomplished concert pianist. She studied music at the St. Scholastica's College Conservatory of Music, but graduated in Assumption. Her recital was covered in the major broadsheets during her time. Critics said that her performance was perfect in everything. Whenever she caressed the piano keys, she mersmerized everyone, including me, with her music. Sometimes, the music made me cry. As a baby, I was already sensitive to beauty. I would weep quietly whenever she played the "Moonlight Sonata" by Beethoven. I used to call it "Kalungkot". I have never heard any other pianist play the "Moonlight Sonata" more expressively and more beautifully than my Lola did; they do not even come close. When I was eight, my Lola decided it was time for me to learn the family craft: making music. I eagerly took my piano lessons from her, and within a year, I was ready for a grand recital. I played "Fuer Elise" by Beethoven when I was barely nine years old. I was advanced for my age. I also learned pieces by Mozart and Chopin. Chopin was (and still is) my favorite composer. Music claimed my heart, and my time. My friends became fewer because I preferred to commune with the muses than play with kids my age. When my Lola went to the States, I did not have a piano teacher anymore, but that did not stop me from practicing. I spent four to six hours a day at the piano. I wanted to be a concert pianist, but my dream ended when my Tita Pita, who was then studying music at the St. Scholastica's College Conservatory, had the piano sent to Manila. I could not practice my piano pieces anymore. Soon, I forgot about my fondest dream. However, I never lost my passion for Music. I discovered that an angel lent me her voice...I sang whenever I was happy, but more so when I was sad. Nobody in our family knew I could sing until I turned seventeen. (I have sung in many public affairs since then. I even passed the Ateneo College Glee Club audition. Sadly, my voice has deteriorated.)I also learned how to play the guitar on my own, and the flute with a little help from my paternal grandfather, Lolo Benny. Like books, music is something that I find almost impossible to live without.

I think I grew up too soon. My childhood came to an abrupt halt when my parents separated. I was only eight years old then. Being the eldest in a fatherless family, I had to be the mother-figure to my siblings while my mother had to earn a living for all of us. Since then until I was in second year high school, I would make sure that my brother and my sister ate their meals. I taught both of them how to read. I attended their PTA meetings. I pinned their medals and ribbons on their recognition days.

I was a precocious child. I opened my first bank account when I was eight. Even then, I knew the value of saving. I would fill out and sign the deposit slip with my grade school handwriting; the bank tellers found it so cute. I learned how to do household chores on my own. I just watched our housemaids. Since I was in fifth grade until I left school for good, my mother did not have to go to my school to have me enrolled; I did everything myself. Sometimes, I would go to the doctor alone for a medical check up; the grown-ups in the clinic would be surprised to find me in the doctor's office unaccompanied. I was into the retail business when I was ten. I secretly sold cigarettes, chewing gum and menthol candies at our local cockpit. My mother was furious when she found out. She said that the cockpit was not a place for a young girl like me. She also found it very embarrassing to have a daughter who was a "tindera" at the "sabungan". I sold my goods to my uncles instead. Then I sold candies in school. I was also into the ice candy business. My profit margin was always at 25%. I never compromised quality. My ice candy had to be the best in the block; my neighbors were also into the same business and the competition was stiff. My customers came first when I made business decisions. I had never read about such things, but at ten years old, I understood them.

I found out how babies were made from my cousins. My elders invented silly stories about the birds and the bees. When I asked them how my mother got pregnant with my brother and my sister, they would tell me that my parents drew pictures of babies and placed them on top of my mother's tummy. Curious, I drew a picture of a baby girl and placed it on my tummy and waited for myself to get pregnant; of course, I never did. I even tried cutting pictures of babies from magazines, and again placing them on my tummy, but to no avail. Then I heard my cousins who were trash-mouths describing the sexual act in such lurid detail. I was so shocked! To my seven-year old mind, it was the most disgusting thing to do. I didn't want to do such a thing! I changed my mind about having babies. (Of course, when I grew up, I changed my mind again...hehehehe...)

A girl's first menstruation marks her entrance to womanhood; I was thirteen years old when I had mine. I did not get scared; on the contrary, I was elated! I was in a hurry to grow up, and the much awaited time had come. However, the first time I felt that I was really a woman was when I fell in love for the first time. It was then that I felt I had really grown up.

UH-OH...I'VE BEEN TAGGED!

2005-07-30T15:01:00.000-07:00

Heheheheh...I've been tagged by the Queen of Hearts (aka Rona, aka Mrs. Chito Miranda)!

three names you go by:
1. Diane
2. Cecile
3. Ikay

three screen names you have had:
1. whiteheat
2. maverick
3. wunderkind

three physical things you like about yourself:
1. eyes
2. shape of my face
3. butt

three physical things you don't like about yourself:
1. nose
2. tummy
3. skin

three parts of your heritage:
1. Filipino (Ito lang ang talagang nakikita...)
2. Spanish/Dutch/Belgian (my European heritage)
3. Chinese/Korean (my Asian heritage)

three things that scare you:
1. being raped
2. my loved-ones dying before I do
3. growing old alone

three of your everyday essentials:
1. cellphone
2. cash
3. books

three of your favorite musical artists:
1. The Corrs
2. Sergio Mendes
3. Fra Lippo Lippi

three of your favorite songs:
1. Like A Lover
2. Only in My Sleep
3. Beauty and Madness

three things you want in a relationship:
1. respect
2. trust
3. deep love

three lies and truths in no particular order:
lies:
1. Life is fair.
2. If you want something badly enough, you're gonna get it...
3. Truth/reality is relative. (The ways we perceive truth/reality differ, but truth/reality is absolute. We must be able to distinguish matters of fact from matters of judgment.)

truth:
1. The law of Karma works. What goes around, comes around.
2. What you don't do is just as important as the things you do.
3. Good guys finish last, but they always win in the end.

three physical things about the opposite sex that appeals to you:
1. eyes
2. skin
3. teeth (Close up smile...)

three of your favorite hobbies:
1. writing
2. reading
3. making music

three things you want to do really badly now:
1. fall in love again...
2. write a book...
3. make lotsa money!

three careers you're considering/you've considered (as a mature person):
1. teacher
2. lawyer
3. writer

three places you want to go on vacation:
1. Boracay pa rin...
2. Paris
3. California

three kid's names you like:
1. Luigi
2. Angela
3. Andrew/Andrea

three things you want to do before you die:
1. write a best-selling book
2. have children, or a child at least
3. visit different places around the globe

three ways that you are stereotypically a boy:
1. I like girls...
2. I like to wear jeans.
3. I like to wear men's shirts.

three ways that you are stereotypically a girl:
1. I like boys...
2. I flirt like girls do.
3. I cry a lot.

three celeb crushes:
1. Andrea Corr
2. Pierce Brosnan
3. Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt (apat na, para fair...)

my turn to tag!
three people that i would like to see take this quiz:

LAHAT NANG MAKABASA NITO!

Thoughts On The Inevitable

2005-07-30T07:30:00.000-07:00

I've always known that I am going to die young; I've had this morbid presentiment for as long as I can remember. Well, I hope that it won't be soon. Death may either come like "a thief in the night" like the Bible says; or it may be slow and agonizing, like Ma'am Nemia's death (Mrs. Nemia Isagan Bautista, one of my personal mentors, was my professor in Guidance and Counseling at the Aklan State University. She was afflicted with myasthenia gravis, a very rare and incurable disease characterized by the gradual weakening of the muscles. The disease affected her diaphragm; she died of asphyxiation. It was as if she drowned or was strangled. The way she died saddens me. She was a very dear friend...). I don't want to die yet, but if death comes, I will welcome it.

I am not afraid to die, but I still want to have more time to enjoy the things that life has to offer. I want to meet more people, and to love and be loved by them. I want to explore the world. I want to accomplish many things, and to help many people. I want to have children, or a child at least. At the end of my life, I want to be able to say to myself that I have not lived in vain and that the world has become a better place because of me.

What is the ultimate purpose of life? I believe that it is to express the Divine within. Saint Irenaeus once said: "The glory of God is man fully alive." We are all created in the image of GOD, and we can only be fully alive when GOD can freely express himself through us, because GOD is Life. I am fully alive when I love, because GOD is Love. I am fully alive when I make sacrifices, because it is the nature of Love to sacrifice for the good of the beloved. I am fully alive when I experience joy, because GOD Himself is joyful. I am also fully alive when I experience sorrow, because in the beautiful tapestry of life, there are dark hues as well as bright colors. I am fully alive when I create, because I mirror the creativity the Divine Artist.

The question that I ask myself now is, have I been living my life to fullest? Have I been allowing GOD to express Himself to me? Thinking about the inevitable has made me appreciate life all the more...

I am living every day of my life as if it were my last. I may not be here tomorrow, who knows? I am living my life on a daily basis. I must love all I can, enjoy all I can, do all I can, and be the best that I can be. I must relish each moment as every moment of my life is irretrievably lost once it passes. Each moment leaves its mark depending on how well it was spent. Mencius once said that a creature born is a creature dying, which is so true since the countdown to the inevitable begins the moment the divine spark of life lights up the candle of existence.

What happens when we die? Nobody really knows. I used to believe that the soul either goes to heaven or to hell. I don't believe in hell anymore. I believe in reincarnation. The way I live my life now will determine the quality of my next life, so justice is not negated in the concept of reincarnation. I will constantly be purified as I enter the cycle of birth and re-birth, until I am pure enough to be one with GOD. The cycle of birth and re-birth is always geared toward perfection. I believe that we are all a part of GOD and I simply find it inconceivable that GOD would throw any part of Him to the flames of hell.

I am getting too philosophical here.

Why Do They Hate Me?

2005-07-30T06:24:00.000-07:00

I know that people who hate me do not deserve a minute of thought. I should not think about them, but sometimes I keep wondering why I have incurred their anger, or why I have inspired such hatred. I've always been minding my own business, and I am just being myself. I've never been pretentious, and I have never considered myself better than anyone else. What have I done? What do I need to apologize for?

I know that I have a knack for getting into other people's nerves. I have never meant to be a pest. I just do what I think is right. The sad thing is, nobody ever tells me how they really feel. They only give me the cold shoulder, or I hear some innuendoes. Sometimes I can see through the fake smiles. I have always been trusting, and whenever I suspect something, I always give people the benefit of the doubt.

I have always had respect for other people. How I wish they would reciprocate. Ah well, we all think differently. I just wish some people could be more honest and more sincere. Or perhaps I should go back to minding my own business; after all, what they think about me is their business, not mine, unless of course they start spreading malicious rumors about me...

I AM GOING TO BE HAPPY NO MATTER WHAT...

2005-07-29T14:22:00.000-07:00

This is one of those days when I just feel like letting go and not caring at all.

I feel down today. I think it's pretty normal. I feel bad about my job. I have this feeling of incompetence that weighs me down, and so I have to struggle hard to come to work. I didn't feel like going work last night, but I had to remind myself that I need to work in order to survive, and I need every cent I can earn. With the feeling of incompetence comes the fear of losing my job, and frustration. I am working hard to attain job mastery, but it seems that my efforts have amounted to nil.

Adding to these burdensome feelings is the loneliness that I have to deal with on a daily basis. My family is away from me. I barely have the time to visit my cousins. I just gave up an unhealthy relationship with a person I deeply care about. My best friend in the United Kingdom has not replied to my text messages and my emails. Well, perhaps she barely has the time to do so; she is a full-time housewife with a husband to take care of...I understand...Friends? I have few...

In moments like this, all I can do now is reflect upon my situation. Loneliness is not so bad after all. It gives me the perfect opportunity to focus on my interior life and on my relationship on GOD within. According to Anthony Robbins, the feeling of loneliness actually sends people a message that signals a need to connect to another human being at a certain level. What level of connection do I need? Do I need to have a more intimate relationship with another person (not necessarily physically intimate)?
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I just found the draft of a blog entry that I intended to publish about a month ago. I was so glum that I wish I could sleep the entire day. Then I realized what I knew all along: happiness is a choice. It all depends on what you dwell upon. Sure, life will never be perfect, and occasionally, life deals its blows unexpectedly. Some days can make us wish we could just curl up and die.

I’ve been getting difficult calls as well as calls that are funny. Sometimes I sound stupid; I know that. I must work on my phone handling skills. My conversational skills are getting a bit rusty. I am going to spend my days off studying and practicing.

Life is getting pretty exciting. I am meeting men, and I am back in the dating game. I have also decided to join the Toast of Mensa once and for all. However, I need to save some money for the membership fee. Life is an adventure to me. I love life. I don’t curse my lot anymore. I have realized that I have so many blessings that I ignore. I choose to be happy!

I am living my dreams now and will continue to do so every day of my life. My greatest dream is to become a best-selling author. I will submit an article to PDI a couple of weeks from now. I don’t care whether they accept or reject it; the most important thing is that I have done what I must do. I will also experiment with fiction and poetry. Julia Cameron says that to be a great writer, one must be willing to be a bad writer first.

To Someone...

2005-07-28T13:25:00.000-07:00

Why do you want to be the apple of my eye, when you won't even let me take a bite? Sorry, I have no appetite for apples that dangle beyond my reach.

Poems

2005-07-24T13:55:00.000-07:00

DESIRE...

Your touch
ignites an unseen flame
that burns
every inch of me
with this sweet
agony.

CHOCOLATE

You are like chocolate --
an exquisite blend of sweetness and bitterness.
As you melt in my mouth,
your creamy caress on my tongue
fills me with an addictive, guilty pleasure.

Fourteen Things I Miss About Being In Love

2005-07-24T06:11:00.001-07:00

FOURTEEN THINGS I MISS ABOUT BEING IN LOVE

1. Hearing and saying "I love you" many times in one day.
2. Finding little love notes tucked in different places.
3. Gazing into my lover's eyes.
4. Wet passionate kisses; sweet butterfly-kisses...
5. Warm, reassuring hugs.
6. Holding hands.
7. Enjoying each other's company without having to do anything.
8. Having a shoulder to lean on while watching a movie.
9. Stroking his hair and caressing his face.
10. The pleasure of shared sleep and what usually goes on before that...(wink)
11. Watching my baby sleep...
12. Slow-dancing.
13. Dreaming of him at night and thinking of him in the morning...
14. Knowing that I'm special to someone.

I Don't Want To Be A Love Junkie, But...

2005-07-23T08:50:00.000-07:00

Being in love sucks sometimes. Besides, I have better use of my time and a lot of things deserve my attention more than some guy or girl who ultimately cannot be mine to love.

I love my life the way it is right now. I am just like an incident, single and free! (Corny...) Sometimes, I do get lonely though, even when I'm with the people who love me. One can be lonely amidst a sea of people, so they say. The feeling of loneliness signals the need to have a special kind of bond or relationship with another individual. Does this mean that I need to fall in love again? Heaven forbid! The last time I fell in love I was so deeply wounded that I shudder at the thought of falling in love again. But I have to admit that love is such a delicious feeling...I miss it sometimes...

I miss kissing, caressing, touching, holding hands, and...hehehehehe...need I say more?

I Really Don't Know How To Start

2005-06-01T19:17:00.000-07:00

Let me tell you about myself. I'm twenty nine years old, a college drop-out who works in a call center. I may be a college drop-out, but I do have an insatiable thirst for learning. One of my teachers once said that there are only two things in this world that has no saturation point, and those are loving and learning. I cannot get enough of both. I dropped out of college because I could not see the point of going to school except to earn a diploma. I learn more by studying on my own: by reading, by observing, and by listening to people.

I look like a butterball; I'm short and fat, but I'm trying to lose weight. I am far from being pretty, but I can always be beautiful inside. I hope some of my inner beauty would come to the surface.

I have a profound respect for all human beings. I believe that GOD is in every human being. I try to be kind to everyone, but sometimes my temper gets the better of me. Seeing GOD in everyone is a big challenge... I love kids. Their innocence, naivete, and playfulness appeal to me. I see GOD more clearly in children more than I do in grown ups...I'd love to have children of my own someday.

I am the eldest in the family. My parents separated when I was eight. I've been a mother to my younger siblings. Last January, I decided to move away from home to find myself, and see what the real world is like. I feed and clothe myself; my aunt helps me with the rent.

I have lived a colorful life. My cousin once said that if my life were a soap opera, it would span the length of thirteen years. I have loved, had my heart broken, loved again, had my heart broken again, and so the story goes on...I have been through a lot of pain, and I have made a lot of mistakes, but then again, we learn from those...I'm tired of the drama in my life. I have learned that happiness is a choice and that all that I need is already within me. I am whole and complete. I remember my cousin's friend saying: "I do things, not because I want to become happy by doing them; I do them because I am happy."

Books and music are two of my greatest loves. I cannot imagine life without either of them. I thrive on reading. My books are my bedfellows. I play the flute, the piano, and the guitar. I love to sing. I used to be a choir soloist and a band singer, but unfortunately, my voice has deteriorated. I can appreciate all genres of music, from classical to heavy metal. I am also a word-lover. I love solving crossword puzzles.

Whenever I dance, I become the life of the party...because everybody laughs! I dance like a duck. My mother was an excellent dancer during her younger years and until now, despite the weight she has put on, she does a mean chacha, swing, and she can even strut! I never inherited my Mom's terpsichorean genes. My body is a bit stiff and there is not a graceful bone in my body.

I hope to become a writer and a musician someday. I write to know what I think. I am such a scatterbrain. Writing helps me put my thoughts together. Writing is also good therapy. I keep three journals...one is my stream-of-consciousness journal, where I write whatever comes to mind. I also have a gratitude journal; keeping a gratitude journal has helped me appreciate life. There is so much to be thankful for...The other one is my learner's journal, where I write down all the things that I learn from day to day...like a new word, an interesting piece of trivia, a profoundly striking thought, etc. These journals keep me sane...

I am passionate, especially when it comes to romance. I am very sweet towards those I deeply care for...Once I love someone, it is for always. The kind of love may change, but nevertheless, the love will always be there...I'd like to keep my love life as private as possible, but I do like to write and talk about love.

I am easy to please. Simple things make me happy. As I always say, "Ang mga taong mabababaw ang kaligayahan ay ang mga taong malalalim..." Only people who think deeply can see beyond the ordinary. GOD is in everything and in everyone; we only need to learn the art of looking beyond to see Him. I don't belong to any religious institution or group. GOD is within me and I focus on this reality. I worship GOD everywhere. I worship GOD in people. I worship GOD in nature. I worship GOD in myself.

Enough of myself...