Tuesday, March 28, 2006
I was jolted awake by a text message from a friend; she told me that she lost her baby. My friend is 38 years old and had been trying to have a baby for eight years now. After two miscarriages, she saw a ray of hope because the baby was able to make it to the third trimester. The baby was almost nine months old. She was supposed to give birth via caesarean section because she had placenta previa.
I don't know what exactly happened to the baby. My friend said she will explain later, and I wouldn't have dared to ask because I cannot even begin to imagine the pain that she is suffering right now.
It just so unfortunate for her to be ecstatic about something that she would eventually lose so soon and unexpectedly. Sometimes I think that life is cruel. I don't understand why things like these have to happen.
Is GOD in control of everything? I don't know. Maybe He does if He chooses to take control.I do believe that he leaves some things to chance, and some to human will. Some people say that everything happens for a reason. I believe that GOD finds a reason for everything that happens. GOD does not always cause or allow anything to happen to cause something to happen. I believe that He usually lets things run their course. He just brings out the best of whatever happens.
However, I've forgotten how it is to have faith...
Posted @ 8:40 AM
Monday, March 27, 2006
I'm staying with my grandaunt in San Juan. She has such a wonderful family. Tito Bogs, her son, loves me like a daughter. We'll be grilling burgers this weekend because he found out that I love grilled burgers especially when hickory wood shavings are sprinkled on the charcoal that cooks the beef. The wood gives a smoked flavor which makes the burgers irresistible to me. His wife is just as kind. She treats me as if I own the house. They have two cute sons, and I've always wanted a baby at home.
There are some problems though. Beside the house, adjacent to my room, is a repair shop for earth-moving equipments (bulldozers and the like). I have been enured to the clanging of metal and the rasping sound of the grinders, but sometimes, the fumes almost choke me. It's like being gassed daily. I wonder how my lungs are taking it. The room is a virtual oven; whenever I sleep, I feel so hot that I can hear myself sizzle.
So that's my problem: I don't know where to stay. I don't have enough money for the deposit and advance that most apartment lessors require of prospective tenants. My uncle, whom I thought would allow me to stay in his townhouse, has offered to have the bodega renovated, airconditioned, and sound-proofed so I can sleep and work there. However, I would have to wait for a couple of months if I agree to stay there. Miss Len has been asking me how long will I be working in the HQ. I cannot give her a definite answer. It's embarrassing on my part to stay here any longer than a week. She even jokingly said, "Baka pagdating ko galing US, nandito ka pa!" (She recently left for Las Vegas and will be back on April 7th.
Besides, the free-spirit in me protests; I would rather live alone than be routinely scrutinized by relatives who may mean well, but do not understand my personal issues. I would rather be alone than walk on tiptoes for fear that I may displease them. And I VALUE MY PRIVACY SO MUCH. I cannot lock the bedroom door when sleep because some of their things are in the room that I occupy. They can go in and out of my room which makes me uncomfortable.
I gotta go...
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She's coming home! At last, I'm going to see her again after a year! I might not have the chance to spend time with her while she's in the country, that's why I'm going to see her at the airport...with her husband...
But it's okay. I just miss her so much that I wish I could give her a hug right now.
Posted @ 3:46 PM
Sunday, March 19, 2006
I don't know where I am heading and it bothers me. Sure, I know what I want out of life, but I really don't know what to do right now. I would like to have a career that would give me the opportunity to make use of my best talents. I don't want to be a call center agent forever. I really would like to become a writer, but I don't even know what to write...
I am grateful for all the blessings that I am enjoying now, but I want more out of life. I feel restless inside; I know that there is more to life than what I am doing now. I am consumed by a passion that I cannot name. I am a wildfire that seeks to devour everything.
Oh God, I hope that I am not displeasing you by desiring more than what You have already given me out of Your goodness. I just feel so restless inside. I know that I am not being the best that I can be. I know that I can do and give more. Please tell me what to do next.
I need to recover the sense of self that I lost because I loved someone too much. I know that I deserve to be happy, but sometimes I feel guilty about seeking my own happiness because the people I love are not happy. My family needs me, but I must take responsibility for my own happiness. I have my own life to live.
I feel like a lost puppy; I need to belong to someone. I always say that I don't want to fall in love again, but something inside me yearns to be touched and to be held. Would someone still love me, after all the things I've done?
I'm still broken inside. It may take a long time for me to heal. I still feel the pain of the heartbreak I suffered a couple of years back. I still feel it as keenly as ever. I feel so unworthy inside. My mind tells me that I am okay, but my heart tells me otherwise. I've lost confidence in myself. I've read a lot of inspirational books. I've tried to convince myself that I am okay, yet I don't feel okay.
Posted @ 11:18 AM
