Tuesday, January 24, 2006
It's been a long time since I last posted an entry in this blog. This site has been blocked by Sykes. I just read a message from Loi and I am happy to know that someone still reads my blog. Thanks Loi!
This is one of those days when I feel so empty, so lonely, and terribly scared. I am on vacation leave, and I dread the thought of going back to work. I have always wanted to resign, but I've chosen to stick it out with my job because I have no choice. I have obligations to fulfill.
I want to love my job, but I can't. It's like being married to someone I don't love. I have made the committment to give my 100% to this job, yet my best does not seem to be good enough. I hate feeling stupid. I hate knowing the answers, but not being sure. I hate being afraid of making mistakes.
Self doubts becloud my inner vision. Fear is my number one enemy and I find myself helpless against it. Whenever I come home from work, I cry. I cry myself to sleep. Sometimes I think I am already teetering at the brink of insanity.
As I type these words, I feel nauseous. There's a lump in my throat and I find it difficult to breathe. I feel like bursting into tears. I wish I could take a vacation for one whole week. God, I wish someone would just hug me and tell me that everything will be okay.
Am I stupid? For goodness' sake, I am a Mensa member! Did I pass the qualifying exam out of sheer luck? Was luck also the determining factor when I got a scholarship grant at the Ateneo, topped the Science High School entrance exam, and got a perfect score in the licensure exam for insurance agents? (There, I'm bragging now...) Have I become so swell-headed that GOD has to find ways to temper my pride? I have eaten a lot of humble pie in the last ten months. Humble pie is made with crap and to think I have eaten a lot of it...I've had my fill and more...
This is the last day of my vacation. I wish I could make this day longer. I miss my family...
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I miss her. I know I shouldn't miss her anymore, but I do. I ought to be ashamed of myself; heck, she's happily married now! It's been almost a year since the last time I saw her. I feel the nagging pain of longing...If only I could just hear her voice. God, this is wrong; this is terribly wrong.
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I've always hated the song, "Untilted" (How Could This Happen To Me?) by Simple Plan. Now, I can relate with the guy who wrote it. Unbelievably, this has become the song of my life. I've always tried to appreciate life, and I am grateful for a lot of things. I want to be cheerful. I don't want to be sick and tired, but I am. I don't want to be pessimistic, but I am. I don't want to be cynical, but I am. I can't help myself.
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I don't want to wallow in self-pity, but sometimes the pain is just too much. When will this end? I've been battling with the big D for as long as I can remember. Sometimes I just want to wave a white flag because I am already tired. I'm too young to be tired of life, but I am. I've tried to kill myself more than once. I hope my premonition will come true. I know that I will die young, but it won't be soon. As I've said, love gives me a sense of purpose and a reason for living. I love my family and I don't want to leave them with nothing.
Posted @ 4:29 AM
