Sunday, July 31, 2005
I was the first grandchild of my mother's parents. Needless to say, everyone was excited when I came out of my mother's womb. Everyone's attention was on me. My mother's brothers and sisters took turns in taking care of me. As a little kid, I was a spoiled brat. One of my uncles even bought me a shirt that had "SPOILED ROTTEN" written on it in big bold letters. As a baby, and as a toddler, I was very demanding. I used to cry about almost everything. I drove everyone crazy with my frequent temper tantrums. Needless to say, I was the queen of the house! I could not be separated from Lola Lily, my maternal grandmother. Once, when I was taking a nap, my Lola sneaked out to watch a movie with my Lolo Charlie. When I woke up and found that she was not beside me, I let out a wail that, according to my Tito Edward, sounded like a siren blast. One of my uncles had to go to the movie house to get my Lola because I wouldn't stop crying, and they could not stand my bawling.
My Tita Carmen was the most important person to me when I was a little kid. She was fourteen when I was born. I love her as much as I love my Mom. She is my second mother. She took care of me from the time I was born until I was seven. I used to sleep beside her almost every night. She would comfort me whenever my Mom and Dad fought, and would defend me whenever my uncles tormented me with their relentless and merciless teasing. She would feed me and bathe me. I always looked forward to her coming home from school because I knew that she would always have a treat for me. When I turned eight, she gave me the best birthday party I've ever had: I had my first birthday cake in seven years! I was depressed for weeks when she left for the States; I was only nine years old then. I would often cry secretly. We have always loved each other. I know that I will always have a special place in her heart, just as she has in mine too.
I had my first sibling when I was four. When my brother Fred was born, I was so excited! I wanted to see what came out of my mother's ponderous belly (We all came out of her belly, via caesarean section). The first time I saw him, I loved him instantly. I did not want to leave the hospital. I wanted to stay with Fred, but my uncles wouldn't let me. They had to drag me out of the hospital and into the car. I screamed my lungs out. Everyone who saw and heard me cry must have thought that I was being kidnapped! Three years later, my sister Clarisse was born. She was the answer to my prayer. As I have often told her, she is the fulfillment of my childhood wish. I prayed hard and wished for a sister. Before she was born, I already knew without a doubt that I would be having a baby sister; my mother did not even have an ultrasound. My family has always been the greatest love of my life and will always be.
I learned how to read at four. My romance with the printed word began when Tito Edward, my favorite uncle, bought story books for me to read. Since then, even as a pre-school child and until now, my favorite haunt has always been National Bookstore. I used to go there very often with my aunts and uncles; we frequented the branch at the Harrison Plaza. Ever since I learned how to read, I have never let a day pass without reading -- I thrive on it and I cannot imagine life without it. My Lolo Charlie encouraged me to read encyclopediae, classical novels, and inspirational books. He also encouraged me to write. He would constantly tell me that I had the makings of a good writer. When I was in fifth grade, I wrote a short story about the legend of the coconut but then, I threw the paper in the trash. Lolo found it while he was salvaging reusable items(he was a pack rat) from the garbage heap in our backyard. I can still remember the excitement in his voice when he told me that he had read my composition. "This is good! You should be a writer, Baby Doll!" I have always believed him; he was an excellent writer himself. He was a high school valedictorian at the Ateneo de Manila High School, and his English teacher's pet. His grammar was impeccable, and he could easily sweep women off their feet with his honeyed words. I think I inherited my love for words from him. How I miss my Lolo Charlie...
As a child, I preferred to listen than to speak. I was not the loquacious type, and I seldom sought attention. I listened to adult conversations, deciphering the meaning behind the words my elders were saying. When I couldn't make sense of anything, I would ask. Sometimes, they would willingly answer my questions. However, most of the time, I would either be told off or ignored. I had to wait for myself to grow up so I could participate in their conversations.
I was a loner. Although I had playmates, I preferred to play alone. In group games, nobody wanted me to be in their team because I was a weakling; I was thin and puny. I could not run fast. Sometimes, they would let me be the "salimpusa". I felt like an outcast, so I would quietly walk away from my playmates and play my own games. I would make-believe that I was a scientist. I concocted a superhero formula by mixing all the household chemicals that I could find such as mercurochrome, napthalene balls, acetone, etc. I idolized Superman and wished that I could be just like him. Fortunately, I never dared to drink any of my superhero potions. When I was sent to the province, I would climb sandhills and pretend that I was a treasure hunter. I would pick up stones with interesting shapes and colors and these would be my "loot". At the end of the day, my pockets would be heavy with stones and seeds of different plants.
I was fascinated by growing things, and quite easily, gardening became one of my favorite hobbies. My grand uncle used to own a store that sold animal feeds; I would steal some chicken feed and bird seeds and plant them in my garden. My Lola designated a small plot in her vegetable garden for my motley crop. There would be some corn plants on one part of the plot. Then, between the rows of corn, there would be some green peas and mongo. I tried planting some oats and barley, but they never grew. Then I also began planting fruit trees. I even planted a mango tree that still stands to this day.
My Lola Lily was an accomplished concert pianist. She studied music at the St. Scholastica's College Conservatory of Music, but graduated in Assumption. Her recital was covered in the major broadsheets during her time. Critics said that her performance was perfect in everything. Whenever she caressed the piano keys, she mersmerized everyone, including me, with her music. Sometimes, the music made me cry. As a baby, I was already sensitive to beauty. I would weep quietly whenever she played the "Moonlight Sonata" by Beethoven. I used to call it "Kalungkot". I have never heard any other pianist play the "Moonlight Sonata" more expressively and more beautifully than my Lola did; they do not even come close. When I was eight, my Lola decided it was time for me to learn the family craft: making music. I eagerly took my piano lessons from her, and within a year, I was ready for a grand recital. I played "Fuer Elise" by Beethoven when I was barely nine years old. I was advanced for my age. I also learned pieces by Mozart and Chopin. Chopin was (and still is) my favorite composer. Music claimed my heart, and my time. My friends became fewer because I preferred to commune with the muses than play with kids my age. When my Lola went to the States, I did not have a piano teacher anymore, but that did not stop me from practicing. I spent four to six hours a day at the piano. I wanted to be a concert pianist, but my dream ended when my Tita Pita, who was then studying music at the St. Scholastica's College Conservatory, had the piano sent to Manila. I could not practice my piano pieces anymore. Soon, I forgot about my fondest dream. However, I never lost my passion for Music. I discovered that an angel lent me her voice...I sang whenever I was happy, but more so when I was sad. Nobody in our family knew I could sing until I turned seventeen. (I have sung in many public affairs since then. I even passed the Ateneo College Glee Club audition. Sadly, my voice has deteriorated.)I also learned how to play the guitar on my own, and the flute with a little help from my paternal grandfather, Lolo Benny. Like books, music is something that I find almost impossible to live without.
I think I grew up too soon. My childhood came to an abrupt halt when my parents separated. I was only eight years old then. Being the eldest in a fatherless family, I had to be the mother-figure to my siblings while my mother had to earn a living for all of us. Since then until I was in second year high school, I would make sure that my brother and my sister ate their meals. I taught both of them how to read. I attended their PTA meetings. I pinned their medals and ribbons on their recognition days.
I was a precocious child. I opened my first bank account when I was eight. Even then, I knew the value of saving. I would fill out and sign the deposit slip with my grade school handwriting; the bank tellers found it so cute. I learned how to do household chores on my own. I just watched our housemaids. Since I was in fifth grade until I left school for good, my mother did not have to go to my school to have me enrolled; I did everything myself. Sometimes, I would go to the doctor alone for a medical check up; the grown-ups in the clinic would be surprised to find me in the doctor's office unaccompanied. I was into the retail business when I was ten. I secretly sold cigarettes, chewing gum and menthol candies at our local cockpit. My mother was furious when she found out. She said that the cockpit was not a place for a young girl like me. She also found it very embarrassing to have a daughter who was a "tindera" at the "sabungan". I sold my goods to my uncles instead. Then I sold candies in school. I was also into the ice candy business. My profit margin was always at 25%. I never compromised quality. My ice candy had to be the best in the block; my neighbors were also into the same business and the competition was stiff. My customers came first when I made business decisions. I had never read about such things, but at ten years old, I understood them.
I found out how babies were made from my cousins. My elders invented silly stories about the birds and the bees. When I asked them how my mother got pregnant with my brother and my sister, they would tell me that my parents drew pictures of babies and placed them on top of my mother's tummy. Curious, I drew a picture of a baby girl and placed it on my tummy and waited for myself to get pregnant; of course, I never did. I even tried cutting pictures of babies from magazines, and again placing them on my tummy, but to no avail. Then I heard my cousins who were trash-mouths describing the sexual act in such lurid detail. I was so shocked! To my seven-year old mind, it was the most disgusting thing to do. I didn't want to do such a thing! I changed my mind about having babies. (Of course, when I grew up, I changed my mind again...hehehehe...)
A girl's first menstruation marks her entrance to womanhood; I was thirteen years old when I had mine. I did not get scared; on the contrary, I was elated! I was in a hurry to grow up, and the much awaited time had come. However, the first time I felt that I was really a woman was when I fell in love for the first time. It was then that I felt I had really grown up.
Posted @ 8:08 AM
Saturday, July 30, 2005
Heheheheh...I've been tagged by the Queen of Hearts (aka Rona, aka Mrs. Chito Miranda)!
three names you go by:
1. Diane
2. Cecile
3. Ikay
three screen names you have had:
1. whiteheat
2. maverick
3. wunderkind
three physical things you like about yourself:
1. eyes
2. shape of my face
3. butt
three physical things you don't like about yourself:
1. nose
2. tummy
3. skin
three parts of your heritage:
1. Filipino (Ito lang ang talagang nakikita...)
2. Spanish/Dutch/Belgian (my European heritage)
3. Chinese/Korean (my Asian heritage)
three things that scare you:
1. being raped
2. my loved-ones dying before I do
3. growing old alone
three of your everyday essentials:
1. cellphone
2. cash
3. books
three of your favorite musical artists:
1. The Corrs
2. Sergio Mendes
3. Fra Lippo Lippi
three of your favorite songs:
1. Like A Lover
2. Only in My Sleep
3. Beauty and Madness
three things you want in a relationship:
1. respect
2. trust
3. deep love
three lies and truths in no particular order:
lies:
1. Life is fair.
2. If you want something badly enough, you're gonna get it...
3. Truth/reality is relative. (The ways we perceive truth/reality differ, but truth/reality is absolute. We must be able to distinguish matters of fact from matters of judgment.)
truth:
1. The law of Karma works. What goes around, comes around.
2. What you don't do is just as important as the things you do.
3. Good guys finish last, but they always win in the end.
three physical things about the opposite sex that appeals to you:
1. eyes
2. skin
3. teeth (Close up smile...)
three of your favorite hobbies:
1. writing
2. reading
3. making music
three things you want to do really badly now:
1. fall in love again...
2. write a book...
3. make lotsa money!
three careers you're considering/you've considered (as a mature person):
1. teacher
2. lawyer
3. writer
three places you want to go on vacation:
1. Boracay pa rin...
2. Paris
3. California
three kid's names you like:
1. Luigi
2. Angela
3. Andrew/Andrea
three things you want to do before you die:
1. write a best-selling book
2. have children, or a child at least
3. visit different places around the globe
three ways that you are stereotypically a boy:
1. I like girls...
2. I like to wear jeans.
3. I like to wear men's shirts.
three ways that you are stereotypically a girl:
1. I like boys...
2. I flirt like girls do.
3. I cry a lot.
three celeb crushes:
1. Andrea Corr
2. Pierce Brosnan
3. Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt (apat na, para fair...)
my turn to tag!
three people that i would like to see take this quiz:
LAHAT NANG MAKABASA NITO!
Posted @ 3:01 PM
I've always known that I am going to die young; I've had this morbid presentiment for as long as I can remember. Well, I hope that it won't be soon. Death may either come like "a thief in the night" like the Bible says; or it may be slow and agonizing, like Ma'am Nemia's death (Mrs. Nemia Isagan Bautista, one of my personal mentors, was my professor in Guidance and Counseling at the Aklan State University. She was afflicted with myasthenia gravis, a very rare and incurable disease characterized by the gradual weakening of the muscles. The disease affected her diaphragm; she died of asphyxiation. It was as if she drowned or was strangled. The way she died saddens me. She was a very dear friend...). I don't want to die yet, but if death comes, I will welcome it.
I am not afraid to die, but I still want to have more time to enjoy the things that life has to offer. I want to meet more people, and to love and be loved by them. I want to explore the world. I want to accomplish many things, and to help many people. I want to have children, or a child at least. At the end of my life, I want to be able to say to myself that I have not lived in vain and that the world has become a better place because of me.
What is the ultimate purpose of life? I believe that it is to express the Divine within. Saint Irenaeus once said: "The glory of God is man fully alive." We are all created in the image of GOD, and we can only be fully alive when GOD can freely express himself through us, because GOD is Life. I am fully alive when I love, because GOD is Love. I am fully alive when I make sacrifices, because it is the nature of Love to sacrifice for the good of the beloved. I am fully alive when I experience joy, because GOD Himself is joyful. I am also fully alive when I experience sorrow, because in the beautiful tapestry of life, there are dark hues as well as bright colors. I am fully alive when I create, because I mirror the creativity the Divine Artist.
The question that I ask myself now is, have I been living my life to fullest? Have I been allowing GOD to express Himself to me? Thinking about the inevitable has made me appreciate life all the more...
I am living every day of my life as if it were my last. I may not be here tomorrow, who knows? I am living my life on a daily basis. I must love all I can, enjoy all I can, do all I can, and be the best that I can be. I must relish each moment as every moment of my life is irretrievably lost once it passes. Each moment leaves its mark depending on how well it was spent. Mencius once said that a creature born is a creature dying, which is so true since the countdown to the inevitable begins the moment the divine spark of life lights up the candle of existence.
What happens when we die? Nobody really knows. I used to believe that the soul either goes to heaven or to hell. I don't believe in hell anymore. I believe in reincarnation. The way I live my life now will determine the quality of my next life, so justice is not negated in the concept of reincarnation. I will constantly be purified as I enter the cycle of birth and re-birth, until I am pure enough to be one with GOD. The cycle of birth and re-birth is always geared toward perfection. I believe that we are all a part of GOD and I simply find it inconceivable that GOD would throw any part of Him to the flames of hell.
I am getting too philosophical here.
Posted @ 7:30 AM
I know that people who hate me do not deserve a minute of thought. I should not think about them, but sometimes I keep wondering why I have incurred their anger, or why I have inspired such hatred. I've always been minding my own business, and I am just being myself. I've never been pretentious, and I have never considered myself better than anyone else. What have I done? What do I need to apologize for?
I know that I have a knack for getting into other people's nerves. I have never meant to be a pest. I just do what I think is right. The sad thing is, nobody ever tells me how they really feel. They only give me the cold shoulder, or I hear some innuendoes. Sometimes I can see through the fake smiles. I have always been trusting, and whenever I suspect something, I always give people the benefit of the doubt.
I have always had respect for other people. How I wish they would reciprocate. Ah well, we all think differently. I just wish some people could be more honest and more sincere. Or perhaps I should go back to minding my own business; after all, what they think about me is their business, not mine, unless of course they start spreading malicious rumors about me...
Posted @ 6:24 AM
Friday, July 29, 2005
This is one of those days when I just feel like letting go and not caring at all.
I feel down today. I think it's pretty normal. I feel bad about my job. I have this feeling of incompetence that weighs me down, and so I have to struggle hard to come to work. I didn't feel like going work last night, but I had to remind myself that I need to work in order to survive, and I need every cent I can earn. With the feeling of incompetence comes the fear of losing my job, and frustration. I am working hard to attain job mastery, but it seems that my efforts have amounted to nil.
Adding to these burdensome feelings is the loneliness that I have to deal with on a daily basis. My family is away from me. I barely have the time to visit my cousins. I just gave up an unhealthy relationship with a person I deeply care about. My best friend in the United Kingdom has not replied to my text messages and my emails. Well, perhaps she barely has the time to do so; she is a full-time housewife with a husband to take care of...I understand...Friends? I have few...
In moments like this, all I can do now is reflect upon my situation. Loneliness is not so bad after all. It gives me the perfect opportunity to focus on my interior life and on my relationship on GOD within. According to Anthony Robbins, the feeling of loneliness actually sends people a message that signals a need to connect to another human being at a certain level. What level of connection do I need? Do I need to have a more intimate relationship with another person (not necessarily physically intimate)?
***********
I just found the draft of a blog entry that I intended to publish about a month ago. I was so glum that I wish I could sleep the entire day. Then I realized what I knew all along: happiness is a choice. It all depends on what you dwell upon. Sure, life will never be perfect, and occasionally, life deals its blows unexpectedly. Some days can make us wish we could just curl up and die.
I’ve been getting difficult calls as well as calls that are funny. Sometimes I sound stupid; I know that. I must work on my phone handling skills. My conversational skills are getting a bit rusty. I am going to spend my days off studying and practicing.
Life is getting pretty exciting. I am meeting men, and I am back in the dating game. I have also decided to join the Toast of Mensa once and for all. However, I need to save some money for the membership fee. Life is an adventure to me. I love life. I don’t curse my lot anymore. I have realized that I have so many blessings that I ignore. I choose to be happy!
I am living my dreams now and will continue to do so every day of my life. My greatest dream is to become a best-selling author. I will submit an article to PDI a couple of weeks from now. I don’t care whether they accept or reject it; the most important thing is that I have done what I must do. I will also experiment with fiction and poetry. Julia Cameron says that to be a great writer, one must be willing to be a bad writer first.
Posted @ 2:22 PM
Thursday, July 28, 2005
Why do you want to be the apple of my eye, when you won't even let me take a bite? Sorry, I have no appetite for apples that dangle beyond my reach.
Posted @ 1:25 PM
Sunday, July 24, 2005
DESIRE...
Your touch
ignites an unseen flame
that burns
every inch of me
with this sweet
agony.
CHOCOLATE
You are like chocolate --
an exquisite blend of sweetness and bitterness.
As you melt in my mouth,
your creamy caress on my tongue
fills me with an addictive, guilty pleasure.
Posted @ 1:55 PM
FOURTEEN THINGS I MISS ABOUT BEING IN LOVE
1. Hearing and saying "I love you" many times in one day.
2. Finding little love notes tucked in different places.
3. Gazing into my lover's eyes.
4. Wet passionate kisses; sweet butterfly-kisses...
5. Warm, reassuring hugs.
6. Holding hands.
7. Enjoying each other's company without having to do anything.
8. Having a shoulder to lean on while watching a movie.
9. Stroking his hair and caressing his face.
10. The pleasure of shared sleep and what usually goes on before that...(wink)
11. Watching my baby sleep...
12. Slow-dancing.
13. Dreaming of him at night and thinking of him in the morning...
14. Knowing that I'm special to someone.
Posted @ 6:11 AM
Saturday, July 23, 2005
Being in love sucks sometimes. Besides, I have better use of my time and a lot of things deserve my attention more than some guy or girl who ultimately cannot be mine to love.
I love my life the way it is right now. I am just like an incident, single and free! (Corny...) Sometimes, I do get lonely though, even when I'm with the people who love me. One can be lonely amidst a sea of people, so they say. The feeling of loneliness signals the need to have a special kind of bond or relationship with another individual. Does this mean that I need to fall in love again? Heaven forbid! The last time I fell in love I was so deeply wounded that I shudder at the thought of falling in love again. But I have to admit that love is such a delicious feeling...I miss it sometimes...
I miss kissing, caressing, touching, holding hands, and...hehehehehe...need I say more?
Posted @ 8:50 AM
