Friday, June 16, 2006
Joyless.
Luckless.
Loveless.
Listless.
Aimless.
Scared witless.
Hapless.
Helpless.
Hopeless.
Faithless.
Pointless...
I'd rather be lifeless.
Posted @ 6:42 PM
Friday, May 19, 2006
I volunteered to be logged out early because I am not feeling very well. I am severely depressed and this has been going on for days. I have frequent crying spells and it is a big struggle for me to go to work. I think I should give myself credit for treating my callers well even when I feel like breaking down sometimes.
Tomorrow, I will be seeing a psychiatrist at Saint Luke's Hospital. My psychiatrist's name is Dr. Vanessa Cainhug. The consultation fee is P1,500 to P2,000, but I think a trip to her office will be worth every centavo. I have been struggling with depression since I was a child. I really need help.
Depression is not something I can simply pray away or combat with positive thinking, although it helps to have a positive mental attitude. It is a feeling that lingers despite the assurances and all the positive self-talk that I give to myself. Sometimes, I don't even know what triggers it. It can be debilitating and painful.
Most people who do not have this affliction do not understand what it is. I have been advised to pray, which I often do. Prayer helps but it does not take away my depression. I really need professional help. People do not know that this is not a feeling that I can simply shake off. The good thing is I am aware of what is happening to me.
I've been trying to lose weight. However, I binge when I get depressed. I crave calories and more calories. Perhaps it's my body's way of telling me that I need more energy. Besides, eating can be very comforting.
I hope that I will beat depression. I have been suffering for a long time. I have to take responsibility for my own healing and recovery.
Posted @ 9:47 AM
Sunday, May 14, 2006
This is one of those days when I don't know what to do...Heck, I don't even know what to think! And so I will let my fingers thump on the keys without giving much thought to the words that will appear onscreen.
I feel restless inside. I want to do many things, but I doubt if I could do them. I don't even have the confidence to start! I always procrastinate because at the back of my mind, I always say, "What's the use? I'm going to fail anyway!" As I have said I've had my triumphs, but why am I so afraid to take the first step to fulfill my dreams? Are my dreams unrealistic? Am I too small for my dreams?
I want to tell myself, "Hey, be realistic! Those are not for you! You may keep dreaming, but you might just end up dreaming your life away! Keep your feet on the ground!" But something in me won't let me rest until I have reached the stars.
I want to write, and I want to make music! I want to sing, but I don't think I am talented enough. I don't even have the looks. I will try my luck at the San Miguel Musical Foundation auditions and see if I could make it to Hong Kong Disneyland. They are looking for choir members who will perform there. Writing a bestseller is one of my fondest dreams, but again, I'm not sure if I am talented enough. I'm not much of a writer.
I feel so restless inside. I wish I could say that I am content, that I could live my life cooped up in my comfort zone. But something in me screams and tells me that there is more to life than being stuck in this job. Sure, I am grateful for this job. I earn more than most college grads do, and to think that I work from home! I earn more than enough to buy my bare necessities and I even have money to spare for whatever my family needs at home. I don't want to give up this job because of the financial security it provides. However, something inside me screams to be set free.
Posted @ 11:20 AM
Saturday, May 13, 2006
I can't take my mind off the inevitable. Why am I so obsessed with death and dying? Why do I always imagine myself lying pale and lifeless in a coffin? I know that I am going to die; everybody will die. It's just a matter of time. I know that I am going to say good bye when I'm still young, but I don't want to say good bye too soon.
Well, to be honest, I am dealing with a lot of emotional pain right now. Maybe subconsciously, I really want to kick the bucket. I don't want to think about death, but somehow I cannot shake off the thought. I still want to live, but a part of me wants to go. I won't kill myself; I've already tried doing that before. It would be a very stupid thing to do.
I have so much to live for. My loved ones are my number one reason for living, and there are more besides this. I do have my reasons for leaving, but they pale in comparison to my reason number one for staying alive.
Posted @ 9:24 AM
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
I've never thought that my job would be this challenging. I used to love challenges, but now I feel nothing but fear and insecurity. I am struggling with feelings of inadequacy. I'm so scared to lose my job because I have responsibilities toward my family.
I've lost much of the self-confidence that I once had. I sometimes think of myself as stupid. I've had my triumphs and achievements, yet I can't think of myself as a winner. I have been in the "loser mode" for a long time now. I have to do something about this.
Sometimes I think that I am not good enough for my dreams. I have read a lot of inspirational books and I recently bought a hard-bound copy of Maxwell Maltz' Psycho-Cybernetics. Even after reading books about self-confidence, positive-thinking, and success, I still don't know how to handle my fears. Maybe I'm being too harsh on myself. I really don't know what to do.
For the meantime, I just hang on. I try to function even when I am encumbered with these feelings. Sometimes, I just retreat into my own little world. Sleep gives me a respite from the burden I carry inside. I have my nightmares when I am awake; it's far better to sleep.
Do I need to see a shrink? I don't know. I don't want to.
Posted @ 3:40 PM
Thursday, April 27, 2006
Finally, I'm working from home!
It's my day off today and I'm rather bored. Thank God for Wikipedia! At last there's a website I can visit where I can read about almost everything under the sun and beyond.
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Katt and I just had supper. We talked about certain things, but what made me really think is our conversation about my sexuality. I've always considered myself a bisexual. I love guys...they're too good to give up! I am physically attracted to some guys. However, I would rather have a highly emotional relationship with a woman. I do like women for their softness and tenderness. I fell in love with one. I wish that the next time I fall in love with my own kind, I could have a long term relationship with her.
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I still love her. I know it is pathetic. I do keep myself busy so I won't keep thinking about her. But somehow she manages to slip into my consciousness.
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I'm an artist. I have the capacity to feel ordinary emotions deeply and intensely, which is why I fall hard when I fall in love.
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Purple is my color! Go figure...
Posted @ 6:11 AM
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
I was with her practically the whole afternoon. She went to Robinsons Ermita for her last-minute shopping. I missed her so much! If it weren't for her aunt and cousins, I would have hugged and kissed her. Just being with her made me incredibly happy. She did not have to do anything special; she just had to be there to make me happy.
I love her so much! She was with her husband. As I've told some of my friends, I don't hate him or anything...I am even grateful to him for taking good care of her. I know that she is happy with him and that she is in good hands. We rode a cab and her hubby stayed at the front seat. We were at the backseat. I told her that I would miss her very much. We held hands for a long time. I felt as if my heart was going to explode with emotions. I could only hold back my tears because I did not want to ruin that perfect moment. I wanted to embrace her, and to tell her that I love her very much, but I know she already knows. When the time came for us to part ways, she gave me a peck on the cheek, and the funny thing was, her husband did the same thing! The kiss I gave him is my way of saying thanks for loving and taking care of the person I love more than life itself...
Posted @ 9:48 AM
